Anyway, I never understood what the deal was with the Valor vs Venom era was. What the hell is a V-troop? Who is Venomous Maximus? What was up with the vehicles that look like snakes? So many questions! Apparently this movie explains it all.
Synopsis: Adults across the world are disappearing. A paintball game with a bunch of ragamuffin kids ends up with General Hawk getting kidnapped by the Baroness. So it's up to Duke and the rest of the Joes to save him. Before that, Cobra used some weird robotic flying bugs to extract DNA from a bear. Well that really pisses off a veterinarian named Dr. Lincoln Talbot and he gets all up in the Joes bizznatch, cause he really cares about bears... or something. I don't remember some of the other details, but there was this cool battle scene in the middle which was the highlight of the movie there were dogfights in the sky and ninjas fighting on motorcycles. It was beautiful.
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| Courtesy: Paramount Pictures |
That was the best part of the battle scene. You are looking right at it. Kamakura jumps off his motorcycle and slices the wing off a Cobra jet. Wow. Just wow. So, back to the plot. Dr. Mindbender comes up with this stuff that turns people into quasi-animals (hence V-troops). Cobra Commander wants him to use up a whole ton of the stuff on the captured General Hawk. Hawk then mutates into the evil Venomous Maximus, who kind of looks like Viggo from Ghostbusters II. Well, ol' Maximus decides that he is going to run things, so he throws Cobra Commander around like one of your childhood Joe figures with worn out joints. The big plan is some sort of mag-lev bomb launcher that is supposed to launch the venom across the earth to turn humanity into murderous proto animals. The Joes come up with an antidote and in their final attack, they use paintball guns filled with the antidote to shoot the V-troops and free them from their mutations. Yes, you read that right. So it all ends with Hawk getting turned human again and the reversed polarity of the mag-lev bomb launcher launching the bomb back into the Commander's headquarters. The End.
The Review Part: For being made in 2003-2004 the computer animation looks like it is from 1995. I know, this was a direct to video release made to sell toys, but it still looks hokey. I did like that it reminded me of the old GI Joe cartoon by Sunbow. The best part was the battle in the middle of the movie. It was pretty awesome-sauce. Duke is a total ham... I really couldn't tell the difference between the computer animated character's bad acting and the bad acting of Channing Tatum in Rise of Cobra (which got a lot better in Retaliation, he must have had some lessons).
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| Courtesy: Paramount Pictures - National Kidney Foundation (Kidding) |
Sad part is, I actually liked this better than Rise Of Cobra! It was GI Joe in it's purest form. They didn't try to internationalize or hip it up. I am pretty much rambling at this point about the movie. I will say it is worth a look if you have an hour and 15 minutes to kill. You might hate it, or you might appreciate the fun.
I give it a 3 out of 5
Pros:
- Hey, it's GI Joe
- Explains Valor vs. Venom and is a good follow up to Spy Troops
- Dr. Lincoln Talbot (they actually made a figure of the guy, and I own it.)
- Better than Rise Of Cobra... I'm dead serious about this.
Cons:
- I've seen Playstation 1 game cut scenes with better CGI
- Gung Ho sounds like he could be Gambit's brother, not an angry Jarhead. I'm surprised he didn't call anyone "Cher."
- It is an hour and 15 minutes of your life that you will never be able to get back, no matter how much you bargain with the big guy upstairs.
